Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
