So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
