You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
