A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
