I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
