I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
