You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
