My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
