nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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