forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
