can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Less talking, more tequila
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
