I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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