Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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