Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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