I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
