I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
