woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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