Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
