another moral hangover. fuck.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
