He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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