i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
