Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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