instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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