I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
