Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
