Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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