I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
