I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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