1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
