I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
