I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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