Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
