JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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