I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
