Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
