She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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