laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
