Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
