spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I am available for nakedness
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
