I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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