My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
