So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
