Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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