dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
