If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
