Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He has the fingertips of a God
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