so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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