I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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