we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
