I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
