Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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