got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
